and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
