I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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