I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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