At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
