Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
