Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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