I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
