Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
