They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
