why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize