The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
