You're my little dorito
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
