i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the day after is always just damage control
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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