I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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