No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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