hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
