I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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