Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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