this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
