I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Randomize
