I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize