I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
