if you like me you must not know who I am
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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