tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
