I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
