if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
A bitchslap is in order.
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