jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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