I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
