is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
