Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
