hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
