mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
