Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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