Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Semen is not good for contacts.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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