I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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