I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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