On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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