Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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