Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
