I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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