We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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