So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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