i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
