He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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