Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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