So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
