There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
