The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
