Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
