I smell stomach acid.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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