This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Of course I have a pirate flag
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
