Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
