I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
this hospital has no fireball
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
