I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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