I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
