Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
false alarm. still invincible.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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