I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
