Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
