Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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