you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
