awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
