just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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