I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
3pm strippers are depressing
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
