I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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