i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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