My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
