Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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