Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Are we still banned from the library?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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