you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
